As we all head (or stumble) into yet another Holiday season, I am reminded of all the Holidays past, and have decided that this year is going to be just a little bit different when it comes to getting along with, and dare I say “enjoying” the Family. Now, if your family is anything like mine, they are a cast of characters who can at times be a bit off-putting, slightly delirious, definitely absent-minded and in no time, drunk! Armed with my best intentions, I have previously headed into these family gatherings with a lot of skepticism, a shred of hope that somehow it will be different this year, and always, ALWAYS with an emotional bodysuit of armor to defend myself against the inevitable attacks of guilt and shame. Don’t get me wrong, we usually have a lot of fun, albeit the self-depracating, poking fun at each other, telling famously embarrasing stories kind of fun, but there IS fun to be had at Christmastime, IF you are prepared. So this year is going to be different, because I’ve got a few things figured out, and I intend to have my stay with my family be comfortable, unnerving and maybe just a little bit joyful. The first thing I figured out is a big one if I want to avoid an all out war. Don’t discuss politics! It’s still hard for me to believe that small minded, ignorant, racist people exist, much less in my own not-so-slightly extended family. So no matter how excited I am about the recent election, I will keep my joy to myself as extra back-up joy just in case I get railed on later in the day for trying to recycle. The second thing I have learned over the years is that Grandkids and even Grandpuppies are infinitely more important than I, and their well being and comfort is of utmost importance regardless of whether I just ran a marathon or won the Nobel Peace Prize. In my parents home, a ten-year- olds crappy artwork is always way more spectacular. A host of other little inconveniences of course pop up throughout the visit, and I am prepared for those too… I have learned to become friends with my parent’s dial-up computer. It takes twenty more ridiculously long minutes to check my email than I am used to, but I have to get over the fact that my parents are a little behind the times technologically, and thats O.K. Also, I now will ignore the miriad of ugly photos hanging up throughout the house that seem to chronicle all of my awkward years to a tee, they never miss a beat or a ridiculous hairstyle. Finally, I have learned to dress in layers as my parents house will always be 10 degrees colder than I am used too, then miraculously skyrocket to dizzying degrees of heat within mere minutes. So now I always have a sweater on hand and good clean socks on my feet (but I still refuse to purchase those annoying “festive” socks with raindeers and santas and shit on them). So keeping all these realizations in mind, I will be heading into another Holiday season with the Family. Bound with my new intelligence, I’m thinking I might be able to get way with leaving the full armored bodysuit at home this year (after all it is $15 to check extra bags) and just be a little smarter and more strategic when it comes to avoiding the emotional landmines that are placed in the general surroundings of the family homestead. With my new found game plan, I begin to pack my bags and prepare to battle the demons of the quintessential dysfunctional family, and brave the emotional massacre that just might be Christmas 2008. As I lay the last of my ten cashmere sweaters on top of the suitcase, I pause and question whether I should throw in my bullet proof vest, just in case. After all, there is a reason they say that family is connected by blood and in my house, no truer words were ever spoken.
